Tuesday, December 24, 2013

Holiday survival guide

It's Christmas Eve. The round of parties are reaching their climax and the gift-giving is about to begin in earnest. It may be helpful, therefore, to consider the how to approach the social aspects of the celebrations from a socio-sexual perspective.

If you are a man:
  1. Remember that the women are putting in a lot of work and are feeling a lot of stress. This is not the time to remember things at the last minute or lament how things were done differently when you were a child. Avoid throwing curve balls.
  2. Don't tell her to relax. She's not going to do so anymore than you are during a hard fought basketball game. Holiday-hosting can perhaps be best understood as a competitive sport for women, even if the only competitors are in her mind.
  3. Ask her if there is anything you can do twice per day, once in the morning and once in the afternoon. Simply having someone willing to run out to the store once or twice, if necessary, can save considerable time and reduce tensions.
  4. Pour yourself a glass of wine as soon as it gets dark. Offer her one. She'll probably need it.
  5. Don't let her get away with snapping at you or anyone else. The objective is to be helpful and considerate, not a doormat.
  6. It's Christmas. She cooked it all. After dinner, pour the wine, put the game on in the kitchen, and clean up.
  7. Don't get bent out of shape if anyone accepts gifts with all the good grace of an entitled welfare queen. Just smile and be content in the knowledge that next year, you can achieve exactly the same results for one-quarter the cost.
  8. Save the receipts. Enough said.
If you are a woman:
  1. Try to remember that it's a celebration, not a competition, and the world will not end if a particular dish is not served or something doesn't go exactly the way you planned it.
  2. The only person who can ruin the holiday for yourself is you. In fact, the only person who is likely to ruin the holiday for everyone else is you. Don't be that woman.
  3. If someone is taking pictures or video, just smile. Drawing additional attention to yourself by complaining and protesting looks far more ridiculous than your bedhead or lack of makeup does.
  4. It's Christmas. This is not the time to maximize the amount of familial drama or attempt to take center stage.
  5. Sit down and take a deep breath from time to time. Remember the story of Martha and Mary. No one is watching in admiration and awarding you martyr points.
  6. If you need help, ask for it. Don't wait for volunteers.
  7. Save the opinion editorials when you open a present. Don't explain why it's not quite what you wanted or why it's almost perfect. Be gracious. Smile and say thank you.
  8. Red lingerie. Enough said.

8 comments:

Res Ipsa said...

Well thought out and said.

Merry Christmas my friends!

JCclimber said...

worthy of careful forwarding.

mmaier2112 said...

"Careful"????

Harumph!

All the bitches will be getting this one!

godownfighting said...

"If you are a man:
1. Remember that SOME of the women are putting in a lot of work, but almost ALL of them are feeling a lot of stress or acting like they are doing more then they actually are."

If you are a woman:
Don't expect him to leap in and magically save the day because you were too lazy/unorganized to actually deliver on what you promised/committed to.

Steven M. Wells said...

Some of us men do the cooking. Preparing gourmet meals, and I mean real gourmet food, is good game. Prime standing rib roast. Spinach gratin. Good Bordeaux. Vintage port.
Merry Christmas.

Expendable Faceless Minion said...

Women and gifts:

1: Receiving gifts proves you value her.
2: Displaying the gifts proves to others that she's valued.

Expensive gifts only indirectly prove her value. Expensive gifts prove a high resource male values her. Since high resource males are able to attract high SMV females, she must have a high SMV.

The difference is subtle, but important. The intrinsic cash value of the gift isn't important, it's the apparent resource cost of the gift. Gifts bought at discount are not appreciated, if the discount is known to her or to those the gift is displayed to. If her friends tell her about the discount she'll feel betrayed and embarrassed.

Exceptions to discount rule:
1: she considers your resources joint property
2: she values your thrift
3: it's only purpose is to make her look valuable to others (who won't know about the discount)
4: you are known to have limited resources, and it becomes a gift of time and effort of careful shopping.

An easily resalable gift, especially cash, can look like prostitution.

Non resalable gifts such as flowers that wilt, expensive delicacies, or tangible artifacts of undivided attention from a man whose time is valuable all make appreciated gifts. If you produce art that makes her look valuable publicly, you have won; e.g. "One Hot Momma" by Trace Adkins.

vantage108 said...

I echo what Steve Wells said about cooking. The ability to cook well is superb game, and it has served me well for years. I also did a prime standing rib roast, with well-selected sides and very good wine, and it was a complete success. And the thought about giving high-value gifts that can be displayed is a very good one... the high-end boots in particular went over very very well this year. (Tip from someone who has been at the LTR-game thing for a while: A gift that she will perceive as evidence of her high value, that she will be eager to wear and display, and that looks hot on her while being a reflection of your own refined taste, is a very well-chosen gift.)

vantage108 said...

I echo what Steve Wells said about cooking. The ability to cook well is superb game, and it has served me well for years. I also did a prime standing rib roast, with well-selected sides and very good wine, and it was a complete success. And the thought about giving high-value gifts that can be displayed is a very good one... the high-end boots in particular went over very very well this year. (Tip from someone who has been at the LTR-game thing for a while: A gift that she will perceive as evidence of her high value, that she will be eager to wear and display, and that looks hot on her while being a reflection of your own refined taste, is a very well-chosen gift.)

Post a Comment

NO ANONYMOUS COMMENTS.